


Why Is There A Snake In Here?

by ninzz



Series: Dragon Age Ficlets [4]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Other, Snakes, Snarky Hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 17:02:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3577140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninzz/pseuds/ninzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>prompted by selenaestella on tumblr: 'ur fave characters/pairing (‘cause i don’t knowthem) “why is there a snake in here?”'</p><p>Hawke finds a snake in the kitchen. She is delighted, while Anders is horrified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Is There A Snake In Here?

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I love snakes, so, so much. So my purple Hawke also loves snakes (and dragons) to the same slightly creepy level that Bull does. This is the first time I’ve written my Hawke, Yay! I headcanon that all the snakes in the Anderfels are venomous and so the Anders people have an instinctual fear of them. So Anders hates them for that reason, and also because he’s worried about his cats. The snake in question is a Thedas-ified Royal (Fereldan Royal? Named after some monarch or other, probably)

Lena walked into the kitchen, whereupon her initial reaction was shock. 

“Anders?” she shouted, the surprise giving way to irrepressible delight that bubbled up when she fully processed what she was seeing.

“Yes?”

“Why is there a snake in here?”

There was a pause. A very long pause.

“Is my hearing going, or did you just ask me why there’s a  _snake_  in the  _kitchen_?” Was the eventual reply.

Lena watched the snake in question, curious as to what it was doing. “No, you heard me right,”She said. “A big one, too.” It must have been as long as her stave, and as thick around as Carver’s arm.  _Or his skull, more likely,_ Lena thought to herself with a smile.

Anders’s voice was pitched high and sounded very tense, “ _Just how big?”_

Lena looked back at the snake, which was sliding its way up onto the marble countertop on which the washbasin sat. The snake appeared to be eyeing her warily…or perhaps angrily. It was always hard to tell with reptiles, what with their blank expressions. She liked to think it would be easier to tell if they had eyebrows. If only dragonlings and their mothers if they could just frown at her disapprovingly instead of trying to eat her. It then occurred to her that there was a striking resemblance between dragons and certain snakes, perhaps they were the same creature? Their respective colours and markings were, after all, similarly bright and ostentatious.

“… _Lena ??”_ Anders sounded very worried indeed, and his voice was much closer now. She turned to see him clutching the kitchen’s doorframe and peeking round it, eyes widening when his eyes fell upon the roaming creature.

“Well…” she said, trailing off, looking at it again. The muscles of its pale belly were fascinating, undulating and rolling in an extraordinary show of its strength. Anders whined.

“It’s just  _wrong,_ the way they move like that. It reminds me far too much of those blighted grubs we found in Amaranthine. Have I told you how disgusting they are? Because I really can’t overstate that fact. ”

“Many times dear, and I don’t think there’s any resemblance. Look at how she can just lift herself up there. She must be so strong. Imagine that squeezing around your neck!”

“I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you,” Anders said quietly, backing away a step. He was looking rather pale by this point.

“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry-”

“-By incinerating it? Please tell me you’re going to incinerate it.”

“Anders! No, I would never hurt the poor thing.” It was now curling up in a patch of sunlight coming in through the window, and Lena  realised all of a sudden what it was doing. “Look, she just wanted to be warm.”

“It’ll be really warm if you’d just  _set fire to it._  I don’t want that bloody thing anywhere near our cats! _”_

“Really, Anders. She would be hurt far more than the cat. Claws and teeth can do a lot of damage to their skin, and it takes so much longer to heal than ours does. I wonder how it got in,” she mused, mostly to herself.

Silence reigned for a minute or two as the snake settled further. “…It didn’t come from the cellar, did it?”

“There  _are_  a lot of rodents down there,” Lena  agreed.

“It probably has a nest of babies in among the grain sacks. All squirmy and… _ugh…_ slimy. They’ll come up in the night and kill us all. I just  _know it._ ” He frowned at the snake, as if willing it and all its kind to disappear. “Maker, they’ll get into my clinic!”

Lena  sighed deeply. “Yes, I’m sure they’ve watched you sleep and are already plotting new and interesting ways to kill you. I know  _I_ am. As for what to do with her… I suppose I can take her to Merrill, she’ll know a safe place to let her go.”

“And just how do you plan to get that thing all the way to the Alienage?”

Lena  put her hand to her chin, thinking.

“Hmm. I’m sure we have a basket crate somewhere in the store room from when Barkspawn was growing up. She can go in that.” She took a step forwards.

“Wait, what are you doing? You’re not going to  _touch_ it, are you?”

“She’s not venomous. Look at the body. The ones with thick, heavy bodies don’t use venom to kill their prey, they just crush it. Besides, if she wanted to bite me, she would have by now.”

Anders’s brow crinkled fearfully; all that could be seen of him now was his eyes peeking around the doorframe, and his fingers wrapped around it.

Lena  approached the snake from behind, making sure it couldn’t see her, and grasped its head firmly with one hand and held its body with the other, pulling its bulk under her arm. She brought its eyes level with her own, only several inches away.

“You’re in a place you shouldn’t be, darling. I’m just going to take you somewhere safe, because I think Anders here might set both of us alight if I don’t,” she crooned.

It seemed to realise that she meant no harm, and stilled. The only movements were the rise and fall of the snake’s breathing and its pink, forked tongue flicking out at her, scenting. Anders let out a cry of pure horror, murmuring something about  _crushing_  and  _Ser Pounce The Second_ and left the room, unable to watch anymore.

Lena  smiled and followed him, in search of the crate. This was the _best_  day.


End file.
